October 2022


by Noah Jones

Breaking News: Dick Garry Declares He is Running for President in 2020

I know what you’re all thinking. This is the biggest no-brainer of all time. Hell if two old guys who can barely form a sentence, and a guy who deemed slavery was a “choice” are the top contenders for the most important position in the United States, then my chances are looking pretty good at the least.

In the past six months, I’ve seen this country torn apart by a pandemic, racism (time is a flat circle), and the Clintons lack of ability to realize nobody likes them either. Now, if you know me, I love chaos. Not this type of chaos though. I’m talking about the chaos where you’re so hungover you’re throwing up and shitting at the same time while on a conference call at 9 am on a Friday because you had too many rum buckets at happy hour the night before. That’s where I thrive. The type of chaos going on now is not a realm I want or thrive in. So, instead of giving you vanilla statements like others do, (literally ever other candidate ever), I’m going to lay out my policies clear as day so you really see what you’re getting when you vote for Dick.

Banning of the name Karen

Similarly to the way the Muslim’s ban of drawings of Muhammad and the Catholics ban of playing any music that is actually good, I will impose a ban of the name Karen. I’ve only met one Karen I’ve ever liked and she doesn’t even like her name so that should tell you I already have the support of those directly affected. Not only is it an ugly name, but many posts on social media have had individuals that carry this title. Their actions tiptoe on the line of unacceptable and stupid, that you can’t help but angrily laugh at how far up their own asses they are. It is my hope that with the banning of this name will allow all current Karen’s take a look in the mirror and realize; that the death of their unvaccinated child was in fact their fault and not an omniscient being’s will, that wearing a mask in public is not only to protect them but elders that actually need the protection, and that they should definitely stop wearing cargo capris. Together, as one phallic symbol, we can mollywop the Karens into oblivion.

Banning Mean Old People

This is more of a personal vendetta. I’ll be upfront about that. The intolerance and baffling grumpiness of old people is a plague this country has not addressed for far too long. I can’t begin to recall how many times an older person has just been flat out unpleasant to be around simply because of their personality. Let me help paint a picture for exactly why mean old people need not exist.

They are not nice to look at.

I can’t remember a time ever I’ve looked at an older person and say, “Damn, who dat?” Couldn’t be me. Pretty sure the hate ages them even worse to be honest.

They are retired and therefore not contributing to society in any positive way.

Sure maybe they pay a few taxes, but MY taxes are going right into supporting their lazy asses. Fuck that noise. Get a job like the rest of us.

Their problems become my problem.

Old man talk bout how he love confederate flag and I raise my voice in protest. Old man get heated and his blood pressure spikes. Old man has heart attack. Old man dies. Now I have to live with that, knowing I was right and I can’t tell him he’s objectively and subjectively wrong. You see how this is unfair?


If you are an elderly person and are not being a positive, cheerful light in your family and community who sits on your porch waving to everyone and makes the best dessert for the fam cookout, you’re better off dead. All those who do not think they can live up to these daunting requirements should work until they are dead so society doesn’t have to see or hear them more than we should.

Everyone Must Take Shrooms by the Age of 25

I really feel that if everyone just tripped their balls off once in their life a lot of these issues we have today would dissipate. I’m not talk about a small dosage either. I’m talking about the real thing. Find some friends, a nice park, and take the journey. You’ll be glad you did, or end up triggering your schizophrenia because of the chemical imbalances in your brain; I don’t make the rules!

“We Found Love” Will Become the National Anthem

The popular disco hall track “We Found Love” performed by Rihanna and David Guetta (the one time the french did anything worth a damn) is perhaps the greatest song of all time. What makes it great? The fact that when it is played everybody in earshot of it is instantly in a better mood, dancing, singing, or all of the above. Not to mention with the lack of hope we’ve had to deal with in the past months, finding love in a hopeless place seems almost too fitting. Think of how lit the olympics would be every time a US Olympian makes it to the podium. Nut.

The four cornerstones of my campaign platform have been set. It is my belief that with these four policies, and the support of the American people, that we can truly take confidence in the strides we make towards creating an American Reality that is for and realized by all of us, instead of an American Dream that is recalled by so few and just-out-of-reach for so many. Dick Garry 2020.




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