October 2022


by Noah Jones

The Art of The Subtle Relief

I wasn’t sure WordPress’s algorithm would let me say, “Piss” in the headline so I opted for what you just read above. Personal explanation aside, let’s get back to reason why there is an art to subtly pissing/pissing yourself.

The urge to go strikes us all at inopportune times. From waiting in line to wallow into your favorite watering hole that definitely isn’t a way of filling the emptiness that is your Saturday night, to being way too high up in the upper deck to reach the stalls in time; we’ve all been there one way or another. However, I’ve seen the difference between a novice and savvy vet. Let’s run through the categories:

The First Timer

Chances are the first timer is someone who is either blacked out or is a baby. Honestly, if you made it through childhood without pissing yourself you may be entitled to some world record or mental institutionalization. For the sake of this list, all categories will be under assumption they are about people above the age of 6. I feel like that’s an age where it’s no longer chilé to wet your pants. Figure it out you non-taxpaying, toddler fuck.

Anyways, lets examine the case of the blacked out side of this category. From my experience, the excrete is either all over the place the person is sleeping, a result of them failing to wake up from the swamp of piss building around them, or, the black out-e finds an object that looks like a toilet, but is in fact not a toilet, to piss in.

Popular items includes:

  • Hampers that have holes in them
  • Trash cans that also have holes in them
  • Your little brother’s lunch box (it happens)
  • Sinks
  • Left open dresser drawers

Remember these are just some of the options. The mind of those lost in darkness can be quite creative.

The Untouchables

These men and women are rare, but when you come across one of their kin, almost always unforgettable. The ones who never knock, the ones who never need to because their pissing themselves with a smile on their face, fully clothed, fully aware of the situation. Bathrooms are just an amenity to this breed. They could care less about soiling their clothes in the middle of the club with everyone dancing fairly close to them. There’s a mystique around the untouchables, probably has to do with the smell, but it’s also an aura. An ability to not care what others thinks and not succumb to pee shyness no matter the stage, is a god-given gift.

The Meryl Strips

This category is particularly for women. Mainly it is due to the fact I’ve never seen a man go the lengths to find a half decent place to piss like a woman has. It’s a spectacle. Traversing every corner of the bar, leaving the bar in search of a local restaurant restroom, or finding a hidden spot that has better camouflage than an army sniper; I am blown away every time. I’ve uncovered this info by go through the trials with a fling here and there. The other avenue, much more common, was hearing the tales from a girl’s friend because it is written in the sacred texts no girl can enter the restroom alone. Regardless the method, the end result spoke for itself.

Sleeping Beauties

Last but not least, are the pissevants (pronounced PISS-SEVAUNTS) of the categories. Sleeping Beauties, the ones who prefer that fermented smell in the morning rather than clean bed sheets. They save the golden shower for the late night hour. After all of us have gone to bed in preparation for the next day, these pissy princesses nights have just begun. There are a variety reasons of as to why one may piss themselves at night, but doing it habitually indicates a deeper reason than one drunk night. You are a sleeping beauty.

A side note: I went through a spell of pissing myself after getting too drunk at shitty frat parties freshman year and the way I stopped the leaks was through figuring out that a Sunoco gas station always appeared in my dreams whenever the dam was about to break. Haven’t filled up at one since.

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