October 2022


by Noah Jones

My Sugar Mama’s Moving On

It’s a dream for many young bachelors to happen upon a situation where an older woman with money is interested in them. For me, it was a reality.

Sometime after college, on a brisk fall night in Manayunk, my good friend Matt and I stumbled into the infamous dive bar known as Pitchers. Filled with local patrons and a musk only stale beer could produce, we began surveying the bar for anyone knew.

Not one familiar soul was seen in that bar, but that wasn’t going to stop my over extroverted friend from finding entertainment for the night. However, he wasn’t planning on being the center of the show, he was saving that role for me.

Eventually he spotted two pretty attractive women that were definitely a little older than us. He has a thing I dunno. Anyways, one was clearly out of my league. She was beautiful and I had just watched two guys in their early 30’s completely strike out, so the vibes weren’t fantastic initially. I didn’t let that premonition stop me, we’re too far deep already. So I think of the best pickup line possible and shot my shot.

Seven months later, we had been going out to nice restaurants, grabbing drinks at her favorite pubs, visiting Japanese gardens; so many places and things I had never experienced before. It was no strings attached, no drama, and I was clearly the rebound from a rocky divorce so comedic relief and sexual favors were the only things I had to ensure to supply.

The best part, she wouldn’t let me pay for most of it. I even offered to pay multiple times only to be met with her handing me her credit card. I am baby on baby at this point.

However, all good things must come and go, otherwise they lose the aura that makes them so good. So as time went on she eventually moved to another state to pursue a new career. I couldn’t be happier for her, she deserves nothing but the best, seriously. It’s just recently, well, she got an Instagram.

One underrated aspect of sugar mamas are that heir social media usage tends to be pretty limited. When I first met mine she only had Facebook. Now, she’s stepped into the Instagram world and to my dismay she’s pretty damn good at it. She stays posting aesthetically pleasing stories and hasn’t joined a skin care pyramid scheme community. She’s off to a great start. Until her most recent story.

It was a classic shot of two food dishes, but in the corner of the photo, laid a man’s harry army with a wrist watch.

It’s clear I’ve been replaced, and he definitely has more money than me too judging that his watch is worth more than a year of my rent. I knew this was coming, but my god sugar mama, it still hurts. What we had was special, or least I would always order the specials at dinner 😦 .

Cherish what you have because one day that woman is going to walk out the door and find a man her age, who genuinely likes European fashion, and actually makes enough money to start a future together in an expensive suburb. Whatever, bet he doesn’t have a sick clubbing shirt.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

%d bloggers like this: