Photography – Page 4 – RICHIE GARRY

NFL Football To Be Played for The First Time Sunday

Yes, it is week 8. No, I am not (that) dumb. I’m just speaking facts.

There are a lot of great football teams out there, some better than the Ravens and Steelers, but when I say football is about to be played for the first time this weekend, I mean that true football is about to be played. I mean the type of football where half the teams end up on the injury report the following week. I mean football where people aren’t buddy buddy after the game, where every hit feels personal. I mean Ravens vs Steelers football.

Save me your, “But the chiefs are the best team in the league! Have you seen Russel Wilson this year?” arguments. Russel Wilson would not have the career he’s had if he played in the AFC North his entire career, and Pat Mahomes has yet to take a hit where you genuinely think, “Oh Fuck.” Either of those guys start and finish their careers in the AFC North and who knows if their stories are the same. Wanna know why? Because when you get hit, you get hit hard. When you let up a touchdown in the second quarter, that could be an insurmountable amount to comeback from. Because when you show up to a rival’s stadium (pre-covid), it’s going to be filled of fans that hate the opposing teams guts no matter what or who they are. The Steelers could have a player that beat cancer. The AFC North ain’t no bitch, particularly the Ravens and the Steelers.

Perhaps the most evenly matched teams in a rivalry ever sharing a 23-23 series tie in wins with each team averaging 19-20 ppg against each other. They’re the definition of what a rivalry is supposed to be statistically speaking, but its deeper than that. There’s a deep, unbridled hate in each fan base for the other.

The fanbases of each team have their quirks. Ravens fans have their delicious crabcakes and steamed shrimp fished right out of their native Chesapeake Bay. Steelers fans have their roast beef sandwiches that they put french fries on like any drunk college kid would who has had a half-baked idea. Ravens Fans have the beautiful, ever-improving Inner Harbor full of life. Steelers fans have two rivers they built ugly ass yellow bridges over. Ravens fans have a beach less than 3 hours away. Steelers fans go to that same beach that is 8 hours away for them. Yeah I see you inbred fucks there, looking like you haven’t showered since your last super bowl, smelling like expired mustard. Anyways as you can see Ravens and Steelers fans are quite different.

There is one common ground that the two fanbases can agree on. When the Ravens and Steelers play each other, as Big (still pudgy) Ben put it,

“It’s football in its purest form.”

As much I hate to agree with the guy he’s right. What the world will see Sunday at 1:00 PM, possibly later depending if we’re flexed, will be a reminder of the way football used to be played. Two capable franchises, with a history of setting the standard for smash-mouth football, looking better than either has on both sides of the ball in quite some time. I always joke about teams playing being a clash of the titans, particularly when they suck, but this as an actual battle of two titanic rosters.

If you’re from one of those fanbases and your dick doesn’t move a little thinking about Sunday, you may want to get in touch with a Viagra representative. If you’re like the majority of the league outside looking in, prepare to see two teams play the way you wish your team did. Ravens vs Steelers baby, nothing like it in the NFL.

My Sugar Mama’s Moving On

It’s a dream for many young bachelors to happen upon a situation where an older woman with money is interested in them. For me, it was a reality.

Sometime after college, on a brisk fall night in Manayunk, my good friend Matt and I stumbled into the infamous dive bar known as Pitchers. Filled with local patrons and a musk only stale beer could produce, we began surveying the bar for anyone knew.

Not one familiar soul was seen in that bar, but that wasn’t going to stop my over extroverted friend from finding entertainment for the night. However, he wasn’t planning on being the center of the show, he was saving that role for me.

Eventually he spotted two pretty attractive women that were definitely a little older than us. He has a thing I dunno. Anyways, one was clearly out of my league. She was beautiful and I had just watched two guys in their early 30’s completely strike out, so the vibes weren’t fantastic initially. I didn’t let that premonition stop me, we’re too far deep already. So I think of the best pickup line possible and shot my shot.

Seven months later, we had been going out to nice restaurants, grabbing drinks at her favorite pubs, visiting Japanese gardens; so many places and things I had never experienced before. It was no strings attached, no drama, and I was clearly the rebound from a rocky divorce so comedic relief and sexual favors were the only things I had to ensure to supply.

The best part, she wouldn’t let me pay for most of it. I even offered to pay multiple times only to be met with her handing me her credit card. I am baby on baby at this point.

However, all good things must come and go, otherwise they lose the aura that makes them so good. So as time went on she eventually moved to another state to pursue a new career. I couldn’t be happier for her, she deserves nothing but the best, seriously. It’s just recently, well, she got an Instagram.

One underrated aspect of sugar mamas are that heir social media usage tends to be pretty limited. When I first met mine she only had Facebook. Now, she’s stepped into the Instagram world and to my dismay she’s pretty damn good at it. She stays posting aesthetically pleasing stories and hasn’t joined a skin care pyramid scheme community. She’s off to a great start. Until her most recent story.

It was a classic shot of two food dishes, but in the corner of the photo, laid a man’s harry army with a wrist watch.

It’s clear I’ve been replaced, and he definitely has more money than me too judging that his watch is worth more than a year of my rent. I knew this was coming, but my god sugar mama, it still hurts. What we had was special, or least I would always order the specials at dinner 😦 .

Cherish what you have because one day that woman is going to walk out the door and find a man her age, who genuinely likes European fashion, and actually makes enough money to start a future together in an expensive suburb. Whatever, bet he doesn’t have a sick clubbing shirt.

The Art of The Subtle Relief

I wasn’t sure WordPress’s algorithm would let me say, “Piss” in the headline so I opted for what you just read above. Personal explanation aside, let’s get back to reason why there is an art to subtly pissing/pissing yourself.

The urge to go strikes us all at inopportune times. From waiting in line to wallow into your favorite watering hole that definitely isn’t a way of filling the emptiness that is your Saturday night, to being way too high up in the upper deck to reach the stalls in time; we’ve all been there one way or another. However, I’ve seen the difference between a novice and savvy vet. Let’s run through the categories:

The First Timer

Chances are the first timer is someone who is either blacked out or is a baby. Honestly, if you made it through childhood without pissing yourself you may be entitled to some world record or mental institutionalization. For the sake of this list, all categories will be under assumption they are about people above the age of 6. I feel like that’s an age where it’s no longer chilé to wet your pants. Figure it out you non-taxpaying, toddler fuck.

Anyways, lets examine the case of the blacked out side of this category. From my experience, the excrete is either all over the place the person is sleeping, a result of them failing to wake up from the swamp of piss building around them, or, the black out-e finds an object that looks like a toilet, but is in fact not a toilet, to piss in.

The Untouchables

These men and women are rare, but when you come across one of their kin, almost always unforgettable. The ones who never knock, the ones who never need to because their pissing themselves with a smile on their face, fully clothed, fully aware of the situation. Bathrooms are just an amenity to this breed. They could care less about soiling their clothes in the middle of the club with everyone dancing fairly close to them. There’s a mystique around the untouchables, probably has to do with the smell, but it’s also an aura. An ability to not care what others thinks and not succumb to pee shyness no matter the stage, is a god-given gift.

The Meryl Strips

This category is particularly for women. Mainly it is due to the fact I’ve never seen a man go the lengths to find a half decent place to piss like a woman has. It’s a spectacle. Traversing every corner of the bar, leaving the bar in search of a local restaurant restroom, or finding a hidden spot that has better camouflage than an army sniper; I am blown away every time. I’ve uncovered this info by go through the trials with a fling here and there. The other avenue, much more common, was hearing the tales from a girl’s friend because it is written in the sacred texts no girl can enter the restroom alone. Regardless the method, the end result spoke for itself.

Sleeping Beauties

Last but not least, are the pissevants (pronounced PISS-SEVAUNTS) of the categories. Sleeping Beauties, the ones who prefer that fermented smell in the morning rather than clean bed sheets. They save the golden shower for the late night hour. After all of us have gone to bed in preparation for the next day, these pissy princesses nights have just begun. There are a variety reasons of as to why one may piss themselves at night, but doing it habitually indicates a deeper reason than one drunk night. You are a sleeping beauty.

A side note: I went through a spell of pissing myself after getting too drunk at shitty frat parties freshman year and the way I stopped the leaks was through figuring out that a Sunoco gas station always appeared in my dreams whenever the dam was about to break. Haven’t filled up at one since.